thoughts on this stage of our life

When our kids were little I made a sincere attempt to keep their life mellow and peaceful as much as possible.  But I also sought stimulation for them, something beyond what was at home to get them engaged, interested, inspired. It was always about balance.  One outing a day was sufficient.  A park, a store, a friend's house, the library.  Or something more exotic -- a trip to a museum, an art or live music show, and one memory that for some reason sticks in my mind -- visiting a baker in Florida, an older rotund man who made huge fantastic cakes, who was happy to let all three of our kids try to create their own marzipan flowers.  The rest of the time the children were content to be at home playing, drawing, listening to music, tinkering in the garden, reading books, and basically relaxing.  They did not watch television or even movies until our oldest was six years old.  Even then, it was in moderation. Interestingly, when they were little they never complained of boredom.  

They all went to school starting in preschool, although for a few years we home schooled the two oldest (girls).  This was during Skylar's middle school years, when our son was beginning elementary school.

Life is different now, in three ways.

First off, all of our children (now ages 10, 14 and 17) are in school, but the girls do not go to school every day.

Our girls attend a small public high school, and due to limited space they are only on campus part time.  The rest of the schoolwork is done virtually.  As the years increase, they are in school less and less.  Sky is now taking college classes, offered at her high school.  She has a Spanish class twice a week from 4 - 5 pm. She goes to school two full days a week, and Annabel goes four.

In some ways the schedule is great.   We still spend a lot of time with our teens and thus have a strong influence on them.  They have down time to work on their music and art.  And they are able to get good grades without super high pressure.  But sometimes it gets a little overwhelming because I have very little uninterrupted time to get things done I need to get done.  Right now, the way it works out, all three of our kids only go to school on Mondays.

Things are also different because our kids are starting to reach into the world and want outside connection and stimulation more and more.  They want to go out and do things more, they go out at night sometimes, they have sleepovers that last twelve to twenty four hours.   And they have interests that they have picked, and sometimes we don't share them. Sky is the only one is the family that likes surfing.  Annabel has introduced us all to alternative rock.  Plus they want more independence -- to go to the mall with friends, to go out with other families without us.  And they need this. It's all part of growing up.

With this lifestyle there is a lot of constant activity.  And more spontaneity for this mom who is by nature, a planner.  Teenagers are spontaneous, Mom, they tell me.    

Thirdly, the world is different than when they were little.  There is so much distraction.  Some good, some horrible.  In their childhoods many new things have entered mass consciousness, and daily reality.  Between email, YouTube, cell phones, Instagram, iPods and Netflix movies, they are plugged in more and more to a virtual world.  I am too.  I have a cell phone, I occasionally watch movies and YouTube, and obviously I have a blog!  

Sometimes I miss the time before all of these "conveniences" existed.  Before kids felt the need to have cell phones.  Before there was such thing as Facebook.  When they were happy to play all day with their dolls while Shawn toddled to and fro, getting into everything, knocking an entire container of salt on the kitchen table. Sometimes it seems like all of these things that are supposed to connect us actually serve to distract and disconnect us from the present moment.

The children are not little anymore.  Our youngest child will be eleven this year. Our oldest is getting ready to take her driver's test, and has already found a college she loves.  And I see very little of the child she once was in our middle child.  But they are still our kids.

I think children of all ages need down time to regroup, relax, eat meals in an unrushed manner, talk to us about their lives, and just be.  There is a saying that parents know their kids better than anyone else.  I have found that to be true. Ours all love it when I give them one-on-one time.  Luckily I enjoy our kids enough to want to spend this time with them.  This precious time.  May I never take it for granted.

corner view~motion

When you have an active boy it's good for him to have an active daddy to accompany him in his activities.

Luckily this is how it is over here as of late.  Although not pictured, I know you know that there is not only a daddy to join in on the music, but a few others as well!

we are all blessed

Do you know what a biryani is?  Do you enjoy walking in the cool mist?  Do you like looking at the sea?  Do you enjoy good company?

I do, to all these questions.

Earlier this month I visited a neighbor island again for my annual retreat.  It was on the tail end of the school holiday break.  So I went off for a few days while my wonderful husband tended to the kids and house and back-to-school routine.

Every mother should have such royal treatment.

I took a quick flight with a sweet friend, enjoying the company and conversation and oatmeal from Starbucks.  There were fourteen guests total. They came from all over the U.S. and some were delayed from the snowstorms. But everyone eventually made it.  

I slept in a large room decorated with flowers, beautiful pictures, tapestries and images of people in yogic positions.  I made freshly squeezed tangerine juice from huge fruits picked from a tree on this ten acre property.  We had enough juice for days.  I snacked on chocolates.  I strolled on the paths, visiting the gorgeous botanical gardens I have watched develop over the years.  I was fed various Indian delicacies made by a woman who delights in cooking for people.  We took a walk on the beach with the dog and we met a famous actress.  I meditated daily, and at night we hosted programs with inspiring talks and music.  I tended the bookstore for those two nights, where we sold items and collected money to be sent to worldwide charities.  All in all a good four days.

Then we flew home, and another five people joined the group, including a second swami.  They were hosted by our neighbor, we sent extra sheets, pillows, blankets. We had two more inspirational programs, including an all day retreat where the kids got to spend time talking to one of the swamis. We also got together for beach time, meals, and even a whale watch.  The kids played water football with some of the grownups, and everyone was young again.  Then an older gentleman insisted on taking everyone out for ice cream. Such a sweet group -- interesting, intelligent, caring people.  The kids were asked to sing one evening, the night we went to say goodbye. They sang a song I love -- Hold My Hand, by Michael Jackson.  They sang it in harmony.  They have sang this song many times over the last couple of years and had tired of it. They had asked us not to ask them to sing it for people anymore. But when this group of loving adults asked if they would sing, this is what they wanted to do.
                 
A biryani is an Indian rice dish.  The one pictured had potatoes and cauliflower in the rice and was topped with cashews, raisins, spices, onions.  It was made for us, as a farewell gift by the smiling swami, a special person that we all love so.

corner view~the colors of january

This year January is blue, red, green, yellow, orange.  January is travel, meals and walks and praying with friends - old and new.  January is music.  Joy. Optimism.  Celebrations.  And lots of laughter.  What, my friends, is the color of laughter?

time

If I write about the passage of time now, and how blown away I am that my children are growing up so fast -- too fast in some ways -- will it make it any easier the day we drop our oldest daughter off at college?  She is only a junior in high school this year. We still have lots of time with her, lots of time to be the close family of five that we are, I tell myself.  Just enjoy the now.

The now is moving so fast.  The now has my baby driving a car, fastidiously practicing until she can take her driver's test.  This is the same baby who is taking college classes.  The other baby can follow a summary of Einstein's teachings better than I can, I see as I read them out loud to her.  And the third baby still gives me hugs and kisses, but irregularly now.  He suddenly wants to grow his hair long, like he ever cared before!    

Tonight at dinner we began recalling memories of our childrens' childhoods. They wanted us to tell them about themselves as young children, as if it was so long ago that they couldn't remember. Do you remember the time you put an entire bottle of shampoo into the huge bathtub and turned on the jets?  Yes. Laughter.  Do you remember the time you poured an entire salt shaker out on the table, just to see what it looked like?  Yes.  Laughter.  We have a picture of that!  Shawn was wearing a blue and white shirt.  Do you remember the time you dove face down in the crack between the bed and the wall to get your stuffed bear, your little feet sticking up, kicking in red feet pajamas?  Yes. More laughter.

Somehow they see themselves not as children anymore, the young people that live with us.  Are they not still children?

Is this what parents of teens think and feel?

The other night we took them out for dinner at our local super grocery store. Then we all went to the movies.  Winter break was almost over and we all needed to get out of the house.  I snapped the above photo of the kids walking through the parking lot, hugging each other.  What a sweet moment.

"You guys have had such a great childhood," I told them tonight.

And they are still in it.  Whether they think so or not.      

holiday hike

Over the holiday break, which ends today, our kids had a few gatherings with various friends.  I am the mom who invites kids over for movies, takes them to the beach, and on hikes.  I am the mom who makes soup.  We are the family who hosts teen parties.  We put two six packs of canned juice in the fridge and they are free to help themselves.  They love this.  We make "dirt cake" and serve it in flower pots.  We sit at the table and eat together.  Other parents think I am brave to do this.  I would rather the kids are under my watch and in a home with ground rules than left free to roam around town.

One day we took a few kids up to the forest where other friends joined us.  As we drove up the mountain it was raining, but as Annabel's friend Maggie predicted, by the time we got to our destination, it stopped, and the sun was bright in the sky.  "Don't worry Mrs. Marks, it always stops in time," she had told me as she sat in the passenger seat, chatting nonstop to me about her life.  I love it when kids call me Mrs. Marks, it reminds me of my childhood when we wouldn't dream of calling a parent by their first name.  

We walked in the forest, we smelled the moist air, we saw caves, and jacksons, and piles of pine needles that had fallen in clumps on the bare branches.

Then we walked around an old cowboy town and all went out to lunch afterwards.  

The kids, ranging in age from eight to fourteen, got along well.  I got to talk to a couple of the moms who joined in.  The parents are so busy, everyone feels they are behind the eight ball.  The kids are free, they are on break, they have not a care.  But for a few hours we all joined in that freedom.

mother/daughter trip

Having a big family is such a blessing.  I always wanted lots of kids, and I am very happy with our three.  But one of the challenges is creating one-on-one time with each child.

I take a trip every November to do a retreat with Amma.  When the children were younger we took them all, but with school schedules and travel expenses we have decided to just have me go.

I went one year and it was nice, but kind of lonely.  So after that I decided to take one of the kids with me every year.

First I took Annabel.  We had a great time.

This year was Skylar's turn.  We had so much fun.  We flew to California and stayed for a few nights. The first day we toured Stanford University with a friend.  Then we checked into our hotel and went to the retreat.  We ate lots of yummy Indian food. We had snacks from Whole Foods, which was a walk from our hotel.  We saw friends. And we saw Amma.  We got hugged.  We listened to talks and got inspired. We got connected to each other and to ourselves.  And then we went home to rejoin the family.